Thank you so much for your comments. I will comment back I promise. I've been following you through the past year, just more silently.
Tomorrow, Monday, is the next ultrasound. I had horrible nauseau that went away about a week ago. And when that happened, my default thinking went from "I'm pregnant" to "I'm not pregnant anymore." Though of course you never know. I feel strangely OK about this whole thing, and I'm pretty much praying to be able to accept whatever I learn tomorrow.
The one thing I really don't want, and that I might well get, is another "maybe." I think I mentioned before their sono machines are absolutely for shit, and when I miscarried before they had to send me down to radiology because the machines in the OB department weren't good enough to tell whether there REALLY was no heartbeat or if it was just too blurry to see. Kaiser sucks in some ways, but is good in others. Like, prenatal care, MFM consults, fetal echos at Children's Hospital, labor and delivery, and, with R, 10 days in the NICU and I never had even so much as a $5 co-pay. It was all taken care of.
I'm babbling! So tomorrow I'll have some sort of experience at the OB, one way or the other, and I will report on whatever I learn or don't.
Sunday, July 5, 2009
Friday, June 26, 2009
Our surprise
I haven't posted for a long time and perhaps no one will read this, but I'll write it anyway. We had our son R in June 2008, and he just turned a year.
It's hard to know what order to write things in. I guess the first thing is I'm pregnant and it was a big surprise - the kind we all roll our eyes at -- because we were using the rhythm method which, combined with "subfertility," would serve as contraception.
It's weird how freaked out I was. And how freaked out I am, actually. My husband had scheduled a vasectomy, you know, since we were "done," and when he made that appointment I started getting a little wistful. Like, I'll never be pregnant again, never hold a newborn again, etc. And a friend asked me, "Well, do you want a third child?" And I thought about it, and I let myself ask the question, which I'd never asked because I'd always assumed we'd have two, and I looked at the little favorite newborn outfit I'd saved, and I cried a little, and the next morning I woke up totally refreshed and at peace with the answer, which was that we truly were happy with two. That was actually the very day that my period was supposed to come. And it came, for only about five minutes. Then four days later it started again, for another five minutes. After a week or so, I woke up in the middle of the night actually terrified. We've been having a lot of financial problems. Dh was in the mortgage business - not a big fish though, and we were and are in pretty bad shape financially, and it's been that way for a long time. We were ahead of the curve! We were in a recession before the rest of the country was. I mean, I'm employed and my job is secure, but I don't make a lot. And I have stepkids, and even though they're a bit older, and thus not costing much money, it's still a heck of a brood to consider. So anyway, I woke up terrified. And for almost two more weeks, I couldn't take the HPT. And finally I did, because I figured, I'm scared of being pregnant (which is something I never thought I'd say, but I said it) AND I'm scared of finding out. And then I took the HPT which at least took away the fear of finding out. I peed on the stick and left it in the bathroom and made my husband go read it and tell me what it was. He was a trooper and supportive from the start - "It'll work out, don't worry, we'll deal, etc."
Then about a week after that I called the doctor - finally - and went to a sonogram. This is where it got weird. I was 8w3d according to the lmp but the embryo measured 6w3d on their machine. It was an OB not an RE and the machine was nowhere near the resolution that they have at the RE. The nurse practitioner seemed unconcerned, since I ovulate late in a long cycle (or thought I did - but the rhythm method failed, meaning - oh, we don't know). For a moment, and it was an unpleasant moment, I switched back into frightened-desperate-loss mode. "Oh God. Where is the heartbeat. It's very blurry. It's not viable. Oh no." Like, that horrible sinking miscarriage feeling of being dropped into the pit of unhappiness ... and I had to remind myself that in many ways it is very different this time. It's not that I don't care - but I care differently somehow. Let's put it this way - WANTING to be pregnant is exhausting and demoralizing. I was and am so grateful that I was out of that wanting. And while I know that if this embryo turns out not to be viable, that I would be very sad, but that it would be all right. I still feel that and I hope I do when I go for the repeat sonogram.
This is so strange. If you read this and you're trying to get pregnant right now, I know that this is the situation I myself would have killed to have. "Oops!" I used to want to kill people who got to say that. And the infertile part of my brain knows that behind all my sleepless nights (tuition, daycare, three, two, newborn, sleepless, pregnant, broke, in debt, aaaaah), there's a miracle. I mean, I think I know that. I'm just pretty scared actually.
It's hard to know what order to write things in. I guess the first thing is I'm pregnant and it was a big surprise - the kind we all roll our eyes at -- because we were using the rhythm method which, combined with "subfertility," would serve as contraception.
It's weird how freaked out I was. And how freaked out I am, actually. My husband had scheduled a vasectomy, you know, since we were "done," and when he made that appointment I started getting a little wistful. Like, I'll never be pregnant again, never hold a newborn again, etc. And a friend asked me, "Well, do you want a third child?" And I thought about it, and I let myself ask the question, which I'd never asked because I'd always assumed we'd have two, and I looked at the little favorite newborn outfit I'd saved, and I cried a little, and the next morning I woke up totally refreshed and at peace with the answer, which was that we truly were happy with two. That was actually the very day that my period was supposed to come. And it came, for only about five minutes. Then four days later it started again, for another five minutes. After a week or so, I woke up in the middle of the night actually terrified. We've been having a lot of financial problems. Dh was in the mortgage business - not a big fish though, and we were and are in pretty bad shape financially, and it's been that way for a long time. We were ahead of the curve! We were in a recession before the rest of the country was. I mean, I'm employed and my job is secure, but I don't make a lot. And I have stepkids, and even though they're a bit older, and thus not costing much money, it's still a heck of a brood to consider. So anyway, I woke up terrified. And for almost two more weeks, I couldn't take the HPT. And finally I did, because I figured, I'm scared of being pregnant (which is something I never thought I'd say, but I said it) AND I'm scared of finding out. And then I took the HPT which at least took away the fear of finding out. I peed on the stick and left it in the bathroom and made my husband go read it and tell me what it was. He was a trooper and supportive from the start - "It'll work out, don't worry, we'll deal, etc."
Then about a week after that I called the doctor - finally - and went to a sonogram. This is where it got weird. I was 8w3d according to the lmp but the embryo measured 6w3d on their machine. It was an OB not an RE and the machine was nowhere near the resolution that they have at the RE. The nurse practitioner seemed unconcerned, since I ovulate late in a long cycle (or thought I did - but the rhythm method failed, meaning - oh, we don't know). For a moment, and it was an unpleasant moment, I switched back into frightened-desperate-loss mode. "Oh God. Where is the heartbeat. It's very blurry. It's not viable. Oh no." Like, that horrible sinking miscarriage feeling of being dropped into the pit of unhappiness ... and I had to remind myself that in many ways it is very different this time. It's not that I don't care - but I care differently somehow. Let's put it this way - WANTING to be pregnant is exhausting and demoralizing. I was and am so grateful that I was out of that wanting. And while I know that if this embryo turns out not to be viable, that I would be very sad, but that it would be all right. I still feel that and I hope I do when I go for the repeat sonogram.
This is so strange. If you read this and you're trying to get pregnant right now, I know that this is the situation I myself would have killed to have. "Oops!" I used to want to kill people who got to say that. And the infertile part of my brain knows that behind all my sleepless nights (tuition, daycare, three, two, newborn, sleepless, pregnant, broke, in debt, aaaaah), there's a miracle. I mean, I think I know that. I'm just pretty scared actually.
Sunday, December 7, 2008
Great News in the Blogosphere
I haven't posted forever, since I have only mommying to report (R almost 6 months old and cute as a button). But this post isn't about me! It's about
Lindsay ourfamilybeginnings.com
and
Sunny gracehopeandfaith.blogspot.com
So although it is improbable that anyone would see this post before seeing theirs, I still just had to do the shout out. This is terrific news.
Lindsay ourfamilybeginnings.com
and
Sunny gracehopeandfaith.blogspot.com
So although it is improbable that anyone would see this post before seeing theirs, I still just had to do the shout out. This is terrific news.
Tuesday, September 2, 2008
Is it hard having kids?
Hi everyone. Yes, I am alive. Things are going well.
Yesterday was a labor day picnic, with some people I know well and some that I used to know well but haven't seen in years and years, like since before I started ttc. Also, some new people, young - one woman asked me - she must have been in her late 20s - "Is it, like, HARD, having kids?" I thought about it - I mean, yeah, it's hard, it's all consuming, it's constant, and definitive. My life at the moment is utterly shaped by my kids. But I said, "No." Because it's not, really. This is my experience: The hardest day of parenting DOES NOT COME CLOSE to how hard it was NOT having kids, or even to how hard it was having ONE, trying for another, and being unsuccessful at that. My darkest days were infertile days. I'm glad I know that. I'm probably still fairly subfertile, but because we're not trying for another, and won't, it doesn't hurt now.
Oh - and you know how they say when you breastfeed exclusively, it keeps your period away for months! HA HA! R is almost 11 weeks and I've already had a period. The same happened with my daughter.
R is adorable. He is sleeping better! He wakes up every 4-5 hours, for a total night sleeping of 13 or 14 hours (that makes for 2 wakings). He has blue eyes and a little monkhead (a fringe beginning at the back of the head and going down). He weights 12 pounds something. I'm still on maternity leave (yay!) and will be until January. I love his little baby face with its million expressions. OK, I'll stop now.
Yesterday was a labor day picnic, with some people I know well and some that I used to know well but haven't seen in years and years, like since before I started ttc. Also, some new people, young - one woman asked me - she must have been in her late 20s - "Is it, like, HARD, having kids?" I thought about it - I mean, yeah, it's hard, it's all consuming, it's constant, and definitive. My life at the moment is utterly shaped by my kids. But I said, "No." Because it's not, really. This is my experience: The hardest day of parenting DOES NOT COME CLOSE to how hard it was NOT having kids, or even to how hard it was having ONE, trying for another, and being unsuccessful at that. My darkest days were infertile days. I'm glad I know that. I'm probably still fairly subfertile, but because we're not trying for another, and won't, it doesn't hurt now.
Oh - and you know how they say when you breastfeed exclusively, it keeps your period away for months! HA HA! R is almost 11 weeks and I've already had a period. The same happened with my daughter.
R is adorable. He is sleeping better! He wakes up every 4-5 hours, for a total night sleeping of 13 or 14 hours (that makes for 2 wakings). He has blue eyes and a little monkhead (a fringe beginning at the back of the head and going down). He weights 12 pounds something. I'm still on maternity leave (yay!) and will be until January. I love his little baby face with its million expressions. OK, I'll stop now.
Wednesday, July 16, 2008
On not being pregnant, now
In the last days of pregnancy, I was actually imagining that once the baby came, I would miss being pregnant. With my first child, I had really bad postpartum depression, I fought with DH all the time seemingly, and was just sad, and I remembered fondly the simplicity of being pregnant. So this time around, especially with how hard it was to GET pregnant, I thought I'd be there again, but I am not, so far, this time. (I mean, it was hard to get pregnant the first time too, but not this hard, and it ended up happening naturally that first time).
I also thought I would be sad at the prospect of never being pregnant again, because, for me, infertility was - while of course it was about wanting a child, it was also about hugely glorifying pregnancy as a state. The clothes, the bump, the anticipation, the morning sickness, etc. But I look at my box of maternity clothes, and I've planned to sell the lot of them. I don't want more children, and that is astonishing sort of, because the longing to be pregnant was such a way of life that I feared I might never move out of it. I'm still bleeding, and that's fine with me, and I think it will be fine when my period actually comes - and believe me, it's been literally YEARS since I've seen blood on underwear without crying and without feeling a deep and chilling despair, or at the very least, a mild disappointment. Mild disappointment was the best I could hope for. I don't know what it's like for people who don't or didn't have trouble conceiving, but for me, I look from one child to the other, and I know I won the lottery twice. We've got other crap going on in our lives now - my husband's business is tanking and we might have to sell our house, if we even can - we're set to be a statistic of the real estate market, in other words - but I know that we won the lottery that really mattered. I hope to always be able to honor the promise that I made to whatever supreme being there is, in those moments of despair, that if I had the baby (babies, in fact) that I so wanted, that I would not complain about anything else. And I hope to hold to that.
I also thought I would be sad at the prospect of never being pregnant again, because, for me, infertility was - while of course it was about wanting a child, it was also about hugely glorifying pregnancy as a state. The clothes, the bump, the anticipation, the morning sickness, etc. But I look at my box of maternity clothes, and I've planned to sell the lot of them. I don't want more children, and that is astonishing sort of, because the longing to be pregnant was such a way of life that I feared I might never move out of it. I'm still bleeding, and that's fine with me, and I think it will be fine when my period actually comes - and believe me, it's been literally YEARS since I've seen blood on underwear without crying and without feeling a deep and chilling despair, or at the very least, a mild disappointment. Mild disappointment was the best I could hope for. I don't know what it's like for people who don't or didn't have trouble conceiving, but for me, I look from one child to the other, and I know I won the lottery twice. We've got other crap going on in our lives now - my husband's business is tanking and we might have to sell our house, if we even can - we're set to be a statistic of the real estate market, in other words - but I know that we won the lottery that really mattered. I hope to always be able to honor the promise that I made to whatever supreme being there is, in those moments of despair, that if I had the baby (babies, in fact) that I so wanted, that I would not complain about anything else. And I hope to hold to that.
Saturday, June 28, 2008
Baby is home!!!
That says it all! R was discharged from the NICU last evening and he is home now. The family feels complete now, and I am very happy.
Saturday, June 21, 2008
More on baby
It's sort of this weird waystation or midpoint, having given birth (meaning no longer pregnant and the baby is HERE!) yet having baby in NICU so in fact NOT here in the house. I spend about 7-8 hours a day with him and he's already good at breastfeeding, which is wonderful, and I actually COULD sleep 8 hours a night here at home if I weren't getting up to pump, which I am. I'd be glad to sleep through, actually, but I do wake up and the part of my brain that wants to go to sleep is overwhelmed by the part that wants to pump.
The NICU people seem great. It's an intense place with a lot of joy and a lot of sadness too - in one 24-hour period, the two little babies who were R's neighbors in the NICU - one of them went home, with great fanfare and happiness, and the other one, an extremely preterm baby, died. I pray for that family, they are devastated of course.
I am so grateful that my baby is OK and that I have him. Very, very grateful.
R is very cute and I would post a picture if I had the slightest technical savvy, but you'll just have to believe me. He has dark hair (not much, but more than my daughter had at his age, and in fact more than she had when she was a year), and blue eyes, but those could turn something else.
Thank you guys so much for the good wishes.
The NICU people seem great. It's an intense place with a lot of joy and a lot of sadness too - in one 24-hour period, the two little babies who were R's neighbors in the NICU - one of them went home, with great fanfare and happiness, and the other one, an extremely preterm baby, died. I pray for that family, they are devastated of course.
I am so grateful that my baby is OK and that I have him. Very, very grateful.
R is very cute and I would post a picture if I had the slightest technical savvy, but you'll just have to believe me. He has dark hair (not much, but more than my daughter had at his age, and in fact more than she had when she was a year), and blue eyes, but those could turn something else.
Thank you guys so much for the good wishes.
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